The 4,385th Annual Handmade Hat Contest

I’m Lee J. Cobb, and this is the marvelous Handmade Hat Contest.  Hats are one of the few ways we can still express our individuality, so I say let’s celebrate them! 

Last year’s theme was “Women’s Issues.”  Let’s have one last look at those winners:

The Maribella triplets won with their amusing and oh-so-sophisticated trio of sweet caplets.  From top to bottom:  Myra wears “Hootie Warts,” Maisie sports “Slack Boob,” and Mostique models “Overnight Flood.”  Hard to believe the triplets knitted these with their own tiny hands!  Well done, former winners!

This year’s theme is “Star Trek Starship Names.”  Without further ado, I present the finalists of this year’s Handmade Hat Contest, chosen from over 23 entries. 

“Geronimo” by Frasie Paloop of the Reverse Osmosis Confectionary.  This snazzy little number was fabricated from remnants of dreams and a handful of silicon fibers.  Frasie says this hat is comfortable in all weathers, unless there’s a high wind, in which case she gets a severe infection in her right ear. 

 

“Yamaguchi” is worn by Benny Frappolini from Tertiary Mammal Mechanics.  Benny says he prayed this hat into existence, and wants us to know that it also doubles as a post hole digger.  I guess we’ll have to take that on faith.

 

“Zhukov” is modeled by Scruffy Bunnikins from Payroll.  Scruffy says this hat is a tribute to a wonderful, tasty raw frog.  Scruffy likes watching rats die and shredding cushions.  The little slut also likes to have a naughty, dirty scratch in the litter box with a handsome stranger.

 

“Korolev” daringly displays the heretofore unknown fate of the last snowy egret on Earth.  Callie Atwinkle of Putative Robotics swears she was minding her business when “it fell out of the sky and died on my head.”  Callie added a yellow ribbon and has worn it ever since.  We feel this hat is a triumph of existential angst charmingly tainted by the detritus of modern sensibility.

 

“Bellerophon” is worn by Al Sinclair of Offworld Mechanics.  While this hat was originally constructed to hide Al’s deformed tubular cranium, he says he wears it now so he doesn’t have to comb his hair.  Al made this hat with the help of a few slaves whom he plans to set free as soon as it makes sense politically and economically.

 

“Dauntless” is modeled by Ikiro Schwartz from Spiral Traffic Control.  Strictly speaking, this is not a hat but a fungus acquired at a nanobot party.  However, Ikiro rocks this look so well that we just had to make him a finalist.  He says it doesn’t itch much, but there is some bleeding at night.

 

             

     

AND THE WINNER IS:

This year’s Handmade Hat Contest winner is Callie Atwinkle for “Koralev.”  Her bold use of the last snowy egret wins her a place in the history books AND an all-expenses-paid fun-filled two-week much-hyphenated semi-naked romp with Mr. Lee J. Cobb on his very own private island.       
            

OUR DEEPEST GRATITUDE:  Mr. Lee J. Cobb is an amazing actor who, although long dead, returns periodically to add joy and amazement to our dreary lives, and to pick another partner for his famed lime jello and basketball hoop parties.  Thanks again, Mr. Lee J. Cobb!

We Don’t Want to Hear You

It is with deep regret that we are forced to remind our readers once again of the zero tolerance noise policy here at SI.  Aside from the normal and expected brief yelp of pain as a digit is lopped off by machinery, there is to be no employee noise whatsoever in the buildings or on the grounds.  None. 

SI Ordinance 2358, subsection 35A, outlines our noise abatement policy.  Refer to it in your manuals and contact your supervisor with any questions.  We are not in the habit of explaining ourselves, but apparently we need to remind you that noise is irritating to those who hear it, and it lowers productivity.  In addition, noise can damage hearing. 

Your Tender Ears

As always, our concern is for employee health and welfare, among other things.  Your ears are sophisticated mechanisms of vibratory bits, and they need to be taken care of properly.  Here is the inside of your ear:

As you can see, all kinds of delicate moist parts are jumbled into a very small space.  This isn’t the kind of thing we can fix if it goes wrong, so we’re determined to not mess it up in the first place. 

This is why hearing protection is mandatory for all employees at all times.  Wearing hearing protection not only saves your tender ears, but it also muffles any sounds that come from machinery, earthquakes from routine fracking, or other unavoidable unpleasantness. The rule is that all auditory openings must be covered at all times, no matter what.  If you are a member of one of the several species whose hearing bits are located in odd places and can’t easily be covered by standard protection, see your supervisor for instructions.

Simply sticking your fingers into your ears is not acceptable.  While this is instinctive behavior in regard to noise, it means your hands are unavailable for work.  If you find yourself going around with your fingers in your ears it means two things:  1) You don’t have headphones on, and are in violation of the relevant ordinance, which means you’re fired; and 2) You look really stupid. 

Likewise, the little foam ear buds are not at all useful.  They are sold by people who don’t care about your hearing, and they get lost inside your hairy, waxy ear canals and have to be dug out with a fork.  Ask anyone if that hasn’t happened to them.  Other people insert erasers, beans, and even rolled up bits of paper into their ears to protect against noise.  This is dangerous and doesn’t work.  If you do this, your days here are numbered.

Employees must wear Headset 48B, which is of course available in all employee stores at a very reasonable price.  Just put it on when you wake up and don’t take it off until you go to bed.  Or wear it 24 hours a day – it’s rated for continuous use.  Your headset can even be worn underwater.  That’s how good this headset is, and that’s why it’s an an exclusive SI product.  We take care of our employees. You’re welcome.

Zero Noise, Zero Tolerance

While certain mechanical noises are unavoidable, employee chatter is utterly unacceptable.  Take care when shuffling paper, and wear soft-soled slippers at all times.  Better yet, stay at your desks and work, work, work.  Make sure your keyboards are muffled.  In regard to phones, the rule is “text, don’t talk.”  No noise.  None.  No sneezing, coughing, or loud swallowing.  If your drawers make a noise when you open them, call maintenance with an emergency noise request.  If your chair squeaks, it will be attended to.  Just for the love of Mike be quiet!

We are not heartless.  We realize that there are times when you simply must make a noise.  Say your loved one is in the process of dying, and you need to take the call that notifies you that you are the main beneficiary of his will.  We get that, and we have provided Noise Undermining Mitigation Booths (NUMBs) at strategic points in the building.  Use one of them briefly to take this kind of urgent phone call, and remember that 75% of all personal inheritances or bequests go to SI. 

At other times, your fellow employees may request emergency intervention on your behalf.  Say you had a tube of reconstituted chicken vindaloo paste for lunch, and the gastrointestinal effects of your meal are not only smelly but noisy too.  In such a case you will be greeted at your workstation by the friendly techs from PORT-A-NUMB, pictured above.  Your will be able to continue to work while in the booth, and peace and quiet will be restored for your fellow workers. 

Minor cases of noise infraction will be dealt with in a less stringent manner.  The old “tape over the mouth” approach has been found to work wonders, and is both cheap and easy to effect.  If you feel chatty on any given day, feel free to go ahead and tape yourself prophylactically.  You’ll be glad you did, and your coworkers will appreciate your sensitivity. 

Noise Science

Noise is measured in doobers, or decibels (dB).  Thousands of noise measuring devices constantly monitor noise levels at SI.  There’s one under your chair, in fact.  Made you look. 

Sound travels in waves, and our scientists spend thousands of hours listening and measuring, and then sending their data to the Chart Department so these drawings can be produced to show just what we’ve been up to.  We hope you’re impressed, because we sure are. 

Random or unidentified  sounds are measured against known standard volumes in order to asses their lethality and possible impact on production quotas.  Then, if these sounds are considered to be audible at all, the proper measures are taken to make sure they never occur again.  This is just one more way in which we make sure you have a healthy workplace.

How we Detect Noise and What We Do When we Find It

Well, there’s that little monitor under your chair.  Made you look again!  But seriously, we use trained professional noise detection inspectors as well as mechanical devices.  Our experts look just like the average person, so you won’t spot them in a crowd.  Their hearing is more acute than that of rabid bats.  It is very much in your best interest to make sure they have nothing to report.

When a transgressor is identified, most of the time a warning or simple threats regarding family health are all that is needed.  However, severe cases require harsh correction, and a few hours or days in the Chamber of Echoes (above), where the employee can scream all he or she wants and no one will come, and all he will hear is his own breathing and his heartbeat over and over and over, usually does the trick.  This device is only rarely fatal, and has been proven to dramatically reduce future infractions. 

When more drastic measures are called for, the Sunbeam Silencer (click here) is brought in.  This devilishly effective device was developed in the Zygote Wars, and has been shown to be of inestimable value in dealing with the most refractory of violators, including group noisemakers and neighbors who are remodeling.  One blast from the Sunbeam Silencer guarantees noise will never be an issue again.  The resulting mound of gelatinous protoplasm can be recycled, so even this extreme remedy is a win-win situation!  Never let it be said that SI is not eco-friendly.

Special Aids for Hard of Hearing and Truly Deaf Employee

We realize that employees who have a hearing deficit might not know when or if they are producing noise, and so may violate the ordinance without meaning to.  We’re sure you’ll agree that the unconscious snorts and slurps made by deaf people are really gross, and they are unacceptable in the workplace.   In order to help these challenged employees and enable them to keep working at SI, we have developed the Dumbo V artificial ear to improve hearing.  These augmenting cones are so effective that we almost never have to resort to deeply invasive inner surgery where we go up into your noise while you’re under local anesthesia and use our tools to grind the little bones down for hours. 

Employees who are completely deaf often benefit from our SI-35 hearing aid.  No larger than an ordinary overnight bag, the SI-35 works by amplifying each sound and repeating it over and over, slowly, so the deaf person can “hear” it.  Many satisfied users (like Monica Sorrento, at left) find that the weight of the SI-35 twists the neck into a deformed and painful position and causes permanent cervical spinal damage, but that is a small price to pay for continued employment.  Monica loves her SI-35, and she hopes you’ll get one, too, so you can stop making those unconscious grunting sounds. 

The Annual Knot Awards

Last night marked the occasion of the 253rd annual Knot Awards, and Sprockets Inside was there!  Into the wee hours of the morning, veteran newshound Buffo Sprinkle rubbed shoulders with world-famous celebrities to get you the inside story on this prestigious ceremony. 

This year over 2,000 awards were given, so that everyone could “feel like a winner.”  Categories included:

• Snakehead Prize for knots made using invasive fish species
• Bieber Prize for knots made entirely from human ego
• Oratory Monkey Foot Prize for knots made by monkeys using only their pretty monkey feet
• Gangnam Prize for knots tied while dancing in an eerily deserted subway station
• Moebius Prize for knots having just one side, no matter how many times you try to find the other one by running your finger first this way and then that way 

More on the Grand Prize Winner of the Knot Awards later, but first a little background.

Early Knots, and When It’s Not a Knot

Knot-tying was discovered when our distant ancestor needed one long rope but only had two short ones.  Of course we have no idea how long it took that ancestor to tie the first knot or what kind of knot it was, but we can get an approximation of the learning curve of knot-tying by studying any human child.  In general, it takes the average youngster about ten minutes of knot-tying attempts to start screaming in frustration and blowing snot everywhere.  We can only assume it took our ancestors that long, as well. 

Knots have been used in every culture for both utilitarian and aesthetic purposes.  As tempting as it might be to infer intelligence from the archaeological evidence we have of knots in ancient times, it would be a mistake to do so.  Many things which initially appear to be knots are in fact something else entirely.

Types of Knots

A wise man once said that there are as many types of knots as there are people tying them.  In fact, it wasn’t until the early 20th century that knots were standardized in the seminal work, Myra Bowditch’s Helical, Conical and Spherical Conundrums, As Well as Knots, which Ms. Bowditch was forced to self-publish because no editor wanted another coffee-table book.  At that time it was said that Ms. Bowditch had learned the art of knot-tying during her time as a rent girl in the dance halls of Bangkok. 

History has remembered Ms. Bowditch in a more positive light.  Several knots which are in common use today were introduced in her authoritative volume.  It is important to remember that at the time of publication these knots were considered to be shocking and revolutionary.  We include Ms. Bowditch’s descriptions verbatim. 

The Arizona Boilermaker, or Mother-and-Child Reunion.  This clever knot combines the best of both worlds:  a quick-release ligature for the most urgent needs along with a permanent binding tie for the reluctant participant.  Beloved of mechanical engineers and nuclear reactor technicians, the Arizona Boilermaker is also of inestimable value in accounting and aerial photographic applications.  This is simply a good all-round combo knot, and should be taught to children as soon as they have achieved basic sphincter control or at 10 years of age, whichever is earlier.

The Triple Hat Trick In-and-Out with Happy Ending.  This knot utilizes three lengths of Madagascar Lemur Cord, and takes the average person more than five minutes to execute.  It is therefore of little use for quick restraint of irate customers or invading Visigoths, but it is quite handy for anchoring yachts in medium to high seas and for reassuring nervous hamsters. 

Silent but Deadly.  This controversial knot achieved early infamy when it was used to round up several rogue American Indian tribes, and it hasn’t looked back.  This is the go-to tie for those who need to bring a stampeding horse to a quick stop, and it is also the odds-on fave for impromptu lynchings.  It is the only common knot that can be tied with one hand, leaving the other hand free for pleasurable pursuits.  Illegal in Spain, Lower East Montana and Mars Colony. 

The Fallow Squirrel or Mordant Extraordinaire.  This zippy little number can be tied with extreme speed around any object, from a bone fragment (shown here) to a suspicious policeman.  Its strength lies in the resilience of the ingenious Backward Snyder Loop, shown at the right of this diagram.  This ligature is especially useful to the elderly, who need extra traction in the shower, and is the only knot a prospective game show host needs. 

Group Knotting 

Long before knot-tying was accepted as a serious sport and then as an official Olympic event, it was embraced by amateurs who found they could have hours of fun with just a length of rope.  The enthusiastically tedious Boy Scouts (see Childhood Fraternal Associations, Now Outlawed) practiced knotting with a vengeance, and they gave merit badges for learning a selection of significant knots.  Merit badges were also awarded for a multitude of other activities, such as Pillow Humping and Frog Cosmetics.  History records that many of these troubled boys grew up to be nearly normal.

Sailors historically had a legitimate use for knots.  In the days when there used to be an actual Navy with ships that floated on oceans, sailors had to tie knots in order to keep sails in the right place and so on.  They were often taught to knot in groups, and this kind of activity no doubt contributed to their amazing gayness. 

Knots in Film

Starting in the 1930s with the birth of cinema, each studio employed at least one full-time Knotter to tie women to the tracks and to restrain lusty cowboys.  When the public saw what could be accomplished with a few simple knots, the public’s lust for rope was ignited and specialty cinematographers and publishers found it was all they could do to keep up with demand.  Some of the hits from that time are with us still, if only online:

“Honey, I Tied Up The Neighbor,” a madcap romp through a suburbia that probably never existed, but would have been pretty darned exciting if it had.  When a hemp marketer moves in next to a naughty banker, misunderstandings lead to outrageous consequences, and only one of them is going to survive the hilarity!  Rated GSF for Good Suburban Fun.

In “The Vet’s Assistant,”  a man brings his bird in for grooming, only to find that the vet tech can’t see him because she’s all tied up!  Elements of surprise include an unusual use for Ketamine (with the now-famous line, “Special K is not just for breakfast anymore”) and a bit of horseplay using rubber gloves.  After a quick spay, the tech is right as rain again!  (Note:  No birds were harmed during the making of this opus.)  Rated ASPCA for A Suitable Proclivity for Charming Animals.

By far the most racy of the early “rope films” was “Miranda’s Wedding Night, or The Magician’s Bride.”  Miranda’s prestidigitatous husband ties her up and makes various items enter and leave Miranda.  You’ll never guess where the rabbit was hiding!  Rated ONYD (Oh No You Didn’t) for spectacular early special effects involving a Model T Ford truck.  At least we hope that was just a special effect.  Oh, poor Miranda! 

Knots in Art

When you say “knot,” many people immediately think of the so-called Celtic knot.  In fact, this is not a knot at all, but a drawing.  Note there is no beginning or end.  Just because it’s pretty and you want it to be a knot doesn’t make it a knot. 

Then there is macrame, which is a legitimate knot art form, as has been proven throughout the centuries.  Many lovely creations in macrame fill our museums and art galleries.  The true macrame artist is rare, but as in all things practice pays off, and diligence is rewarded.  The best macrame pieces have sold for more money than most of us will ever earn in a lifetime, and only the luckiest of people can ever hope to have one in their own home.  

This Year’s Knot Award Winners

After much deliberation and for only the second time in the history of the Knot Awards, this year’s ribbon was given to a team entry.  Betty and Marlon Fonda, pictured at left, are part-time amateur actors and ventriloquist dummies.  They won for their macrame entry entitled “Destiny VI:  New Perspectives in Squalid Vernacular and Urban Angst, A Triumphal Procession” pictured here.  Upon receiving the award, Betty did a cartwheel which exposed rather more of her orthopedic underwear than anyone was expecting to see.  “We are thrilled, of course,” said Marlon.  “We worked on that for over a day.  Now I have to take Betty home before we have any more drama.”  Future entrants will have to work very hard indeed to outshine this amazing winning entry!

Workers!  Be sure to pick up your copy of the newest Sprockets International Publication, on sale in employee stores on all levels.  Why not get several?  They make the perfect stocking stuffer.

 

 

 

Antimatter Matters

Since the unfortunate antimatter spill on Underdeck 13, we’ve heard some rather troubling employee comments on our routine surveillance tapes.   Let’s clear up three things immediately.

• Antimatter doesn’t linger in the sewers and come up in the toilet when you’re on it.
• It is not Satan’s semen.
• Antimatter isn’t another name for MSG.

What is Antimatter, Then?

Think of everything you know.  Antimatter is the exact opposite of all that.  For example, there’s your wallet.  Your wallet is made of matter.  In an alternate time/space continuum, there is a wallet just like it made of antimatter.  And that wallet doesn’t have any money in it, either.   Furthermore, as you can clearly see from the chart above, all of the molecules in antimatter are reversed.  This makes it even trickier to deal with the slippery stuff, and our scientists have to use incomprehensible formulas and calculus and so on.  That’s why they’re scientists and we’re just us!

Experts at Work 

The judicious blending of matter and antimatter is what keeps the engines at Sprockets International running.  This energy also powers your computers and your artificial hearts.  Deep in the bowels of the Machination Buildings, far below any level you’ve ever been, scientists toil endlessly to get the correct mix.  When the dilithium coils are aligned with Mars in retrograde and the plenum potentiaries are axillated, all is right with the world. 

The interior of an antimatter phase induction coil is fascinating.  You might think you’d see a bunch of widgets and cams, just like any other machine – but you’d be wrong!  Instead, if you are ever lucky enough to be close to one of these babies, you’ll notice they are made of mirrors, rusty jingle bells and fairy wings.  Or maybe I’m remembering the Christmas tree from my childhood. 

Your Antimatter Doppelganger

One of the most enduring rumors in regard to antimatter is that, since all objects exist in both matter and antimatter, somewhere “over there” is an “Antimatter You.”  Or me.  Whatever.  If you are normal in the world of ordinary matter, your mirror-image twin would be a left-handed Republican who watches reality television.  And most people believe if you ever happened to meet this “other you” and tried to shake his hand, you’d both explode. 

This rumor is true.  All disappearances of famous people can be attributed to this phenomenon, and it is now believed this is what happened to the Sumerians and the dinosaurs.  But there’s nothing to be afraid of.  Just don’t stare at the sun during an eclipse while swimming less than 30 minutes after eating and you’ll never meet your antimatter twin.  Or at least that’s the current theory. 

Antimatter’s Astonishing Safety Record

Since antimatter was first used as power steering fluid in the early 21st century, its track record has been very good indeed.  In fact, there have been just over three billion deaths directly attributable to antimatter in the entire history of its domestic and commercial use.  More deaths occur in the Saldanian Iron Mines on Vagus IV every month.  It helps to put things into perspective, doesn’t it?

The truth is that antimatter is perfectly safe to use for almost everything so long as you use large quantities of it.  It’s only when one atom of it gets separated out (for instance, if you sneeze while getting ready to feed Junior with antimatter baby formula) that things get a little dicey.  Scientist separate atoms deliberately, and use the resulting power for good.  So that makes all the little blips in the road seem like smooth sailing!

Rest assured that all of your typical household products which contain antimatter (may be “hidden” in ingredients list as “flavorings”) are perfectly safe to use.  If they weren’t we wouldn’t make them, would we?  Because we don’t want our factories to explode, do we?  Think about it. 

All Hands on Deck!

Be sure to tune in to the obligatory scheduled Employee Lecture at 0100 tomorrow.  At that time we will provide more information and disabuse you of any lingering misapprehensions in regard to this essential power source. 

WORKERS!  Don’t let ignorance and misinformation prevent you from stocking up at the semi-annual Antimatter Sale!  Now through Tuesday only, a case of canned Antimatter is 5% off the individual can price.  Free shipping if you purchase a gross of cases, which would be 14,400 cans.  If you’re a valiant consumer, you go through that much antimatter in a couple of months, so stock up now!