I’m Lee J. Cobb, and this is the marvelous Handmade Hat Contest. Hats are one of the few ways we can still express our individuality, so I say let’s celebrate them!
Last year’s theme was “Women’s Issues.” Let’s have one last look at those winners:
The Maribella triplets won with their amusing and oh-so-sophisticated trio of sweet caplets. From top to bottom: Myra wears “Hootie Warts,” Maisie sports “Slack Boob,” and Mostique models “Overnight Flood.” Hard to believe the triplets knitted these with their own tiny hands! Well done, former winners!
This year’s theme is “Star Trek Starship Names.” Without further ado, I present the finalists of this year’s Handmade Hat Contest, chosen from over 23 entries.
“Geronimo” by Frasie Paloop of the Reverse Osmosis Confectionary. This snazzy little number was fabricated from remnants of dreams and a handful of silicon fibers. Frasie says this hat is comfortable in all weathers, unless there’s a high wind, in which case she gets a severe infection in her right ear.
“Yamaguchi” is worn by Benny Frappolini from Tertiary Mammal Mechanics. Benny says he prayed this hat into existence, and wants us to know that it also doubles as a post hole digger. I guess we’ll have to take that on faith.
“Zhukov” is modeled by Scruffy Bunnikins from Payroll. Scruffy says this hat is a tribute to a wonderful, tasty raw frog. Scruffy likes watching rats die and shredding cushions. The little slut also likes to have a naughty, dirty scratch in the litter box with a handsome stranger.
“Korolev” daringly displays the heretofore unknown fate of the last snowy egret on Earth. Callie Atwinkle of Putative Robotics swears she was minding her business when “it fell out of the sky and died on my head.” Callie added a yellow ribbon and has worn it ever since. We feel this hat is a triumph of existential angst charmingly tainted by the detritus of modern sensibility.
“Bellerophon” is worn by Al Sinclair of Offworld Mechanics. While this hat was originally constructed to hide Al’s deformed tubular cranium, he says he wears it now so he doesn’t have to comb his hair. Al made this hat with the help of a few slaves whom he plans to set free as soon as it makes sense politically and economically.
“Dauntless” is modeled by Ikiro Schwartz from Spiral Traffic Control. Strictly speaking, this is not a hat but a fungus acquired at a nanobot party. However, Ikiro rocks this look so well that we just had to make him a finalist. He says it doesn’t itch much, but there is some bleeding at night.
AND THE WINNER IS:
This year’s Handmade Hat Contest winner is Callie Atwinkle for “Koralev.” Her bold use of the last snowy egret wins her a place in the history books AND an all-expenses-paid fun-filled two-week much-hyphenated semi-naked romp with Mr. Lee J. Cobb on his very own private island.